Science…

The other day when I was walking around the city I saw the poster for this movie and it made me laugh. Maybe I’m not in touch with my inner teenager but haven’t we really reached the end of the road in terms of vampire trilogies when the title is The Vampire’s Assistant? I don’t know. It just struck me as totally absurd and tired and hilarious. All I can imagine is some kid filing various vampire TPS reports in a spooky office… with fog in it maybe. And there is such a calculated attempt now to tap into the teen obsession with immortal, sexy, emotionally unavailable vampire boys and their various vampire endeavors that makes me feel old, and grumpy… and mortal.

If you look at the wikipedia summary of the plot for the book there are so many amazing bits of text. This is a description of what the lead character, the Vampire’s Assistant, has to deal with:

Although he is far stronger than any human, and a shotput world champion, he is still finding it hard to adjust to his new life. His unchallenged strength causes him to be alone, as he can not make any human friends without breaking their hands.

I kind of don’t know what that means at all. Obviously we can all relate to the challenges of international shotput fame, and ruining would-be friendships because of hand breaking IS a tough lot. But the author of this entry in wikipedia seems to be really shorthanding the nuts and bolts of the concept… at least for me, but I am not a teen reader. The whole plot summary is here.

Speaking of sexy, vampire-based segues, there is an interesting article in this week’s New Yorker by Rebecca Mead that explores the concepting and publishing process around popular teen novel series. The article profiles a New York company called Alloy Entertainment which you might know from such titles as “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”, “Hollywood Is Like Highschool with Money”, and “Gossip Girl”. There is a general explanation of the development process for novel series that have sold millions of books to teens (and perhaps, some adults!) that is amazing. It starts with a pitch meeting, just after Ted Kennedy passed away, about the viability of a teen political novel series.

The question under consideration: Could you do Chappaquiddick for kids?”

Indeed. But the higher ups quickly ascertain the imperative and steer the conversation to a concept that uses google earth as the linchpin of the plot twist. And the talk eventually gets around to other possibilities:

Not every pitch was related to the headlines. “Is there a way to do ‘Marley & Me’ for teen girls? Bank asked, toward the end of the meeting. “Bittersweet ending, sad, but about dogs?”

Then the focus turns to the Twilight series (not a Alloy Entertainment title) that has sold twenty-seven million books!

“Forbidden love is a lot of what’s behind ‘Twilight,'” Morgenstein says. “It’s about longing and lust but not about sex, and that’s very powerful to younger teen girls.” It is for this reason that Morgenstein has for years resisted one of Josh Bank’s pitches, “Mini Vampires,” aimed at younger kids. “Vampires are sexy and dangerous and romantic, and, if they’re mini, they’re none of those things,” Morgenstein says. “I still think it could work,” Bank insists, imagining the merchandising opportunities: “It sounds like a breakfast cereal! Mom, can I have some more Mini Vampires?”

And she adds, awesomely:

More serious, angsty literature is where girls are right now. Morbid dead-girl lit.

The article goes on in really exciting ways to outline how these designed-by-committee novels are commissioned and sold to publishers and ultimately written. There are so many gems in this. I’ll leave you with one of the contributions from a writer/editor who is characterized as an old hand at this sort of storytelling:

Von Ziegesar recalls plotting a now forgotten series that featured a baby with evil powers. Her contributions to the conference-room brainstorming include screaming, “Gouge the baby’s eyes out! Gouge the baby’s eyes out!”

Maybe that “baby” has his or her evil eyes on the teen-novel-writing competition. And those eyes are subsequently gougable. There isn’t currently a link to this story online but it’s in the October 19th edition of the magazine. And also, there is an article just before this one about Michael Vick and dog fighting that made me cry on the subway, twice. I urge you not to read it.