Science…

As denizens of this Bloghosphere, we all understand what it’s like to be Amazine Scientists– We know well the importance of exacting execution of theme parties, for example. We’re clear on our mission to inform, and the essential roles of cameraphones and snappy comebacks to our craft.

But as part of our new Visiting Scientist Series, visiting scientist Tali Vardi opens the kimono on what it’s like to be a REAL scientist, the kind that use tools like Measuring Sticks and Hypothoses and Other Nerds to get to the answers. Below, straight from California, a first-person account of what happens when Scientists stop making puns and start getting real.

Hold onto your beakers, folks.

Awakened out of a dream – I’m late for my standing date: SCIENCE BREAKFAST! Foregoing the four hour routine necessary for a day of THINKING® I rush out the door – glasses askew, lab coat buttoned wrong, lab rats and erlenmeyer flasks crashing to the ground behind me. A casual breakfast? Think again. I am meeting with three Masters of Science and a Doctor of Philosophy in Biological Chemistry. This is no eggs and bacon on a plate. We eat PENCILS and COMPUTERS. (ouch! science is HARD.)

Next, after some careful calculations using an abacus, pliers, and a protractor (respectively), I have a job to do at an Oceanographic Machine Shop. Revealing 60% (+/- 1.08 ) of my teeth, turning up my lips to 90%, and flipping my hair to 145 radians – my attention to scientific details has paid off! The machinists CAN and WILL drill 200 holes for me. EW! It’s not like that! This is PURE science.

Next at bat – ordering numbered tags — important note: NUMBERS ARE ONE OF THE KEY PARTS of discoveries when you use science. You might think there is a scientist supply center somewhere on god’s green earth. Do you? Do you? Wrong again! We have to use THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD to simply order supplies.

So it goes. With the help of a team of neuroscientists at New York University’s, Center for Neural Science, we used COMPUTERS and SOFTWARE to make a unique discovery. You read it here first: Agricultural Scientists have developed a METHOD of numbering plastic (wow!) and attaching it to sheep testicles that will not disintegrate in the ocean! It’s true! Sometimes scientific discoveries really happen by accident! My new farmy collaborators have already got the balls rolling to send me these special tags for my RESEARCH about rock-like ANIMALS. They also sell jelly.

You might think protracting was only used once today. Get real. What many scientists won’t tell you is that protracting is at the CORE of every scientific discovery you read about. My final scientific contribution today, is the creation of a SCUBA diving adventure guide book. But this is NOT for kids! How will I find my animals? I need to create a map using PROTRACTION AND ANGLES. Will the animals be there? Stay tuned! Only SCIENCE can tell us!!